Stuck with an abusive person

This ongoing pandemic has brought people closer than ever, especially with their families. Parents, children, grandparents, and spouses are spending more time than ever while isolating together. Then there are some people for whom this is nothing short of their worst nightmare, as being stuck with an abusive person 24/7 puts them in grave danger. Every minute of every day. With almost the entire world in a total lockdown in order to fight this pandemic, several victims of abuse have no other option other than to isolate with their sexual, physical, and emotional abusers. If you are one of these victims, and you are trying to find ways to protect yourself from your tormentor, here are a few things you can do, to deal with this horrible situation you are in.

Some ways that you can be prepared with -

1. Always be prepared.

When you are stuck with an abusive person, then the very first thing that you need to do is to keep yourself prepared. Isolating with your abuser means that you can never be sure when things will escalate and take a dark turn, so it’s important that you know what to do when it does. Prepare an emergency bag (in secret, of course) which will consist of some clothes, your car keys, medicines, money, credit card, shoes, and some food. Also make sure that your mobile phone is always fully charged so that you can contact helpline numbers, the police or your friends whenever you need it. In case you have children, teach them a code word or a safety word, to help them understand when to leave with you and not ask a ton of questions.

2. Establish some boundaries-

when you are co-habiting with your abuser, it is important to set some boundaries. Almost all the time, an abuser absolutely hates it, when their victims try to explain themselves. If you feel that a conversation is going in the wrong direction and can become dangerous for you, then firmly, but calmly ask for some space and a time-out from your partner.

Yes, when you are being abused or when your abuser is saying horrible things to you, it can be mighty difficult to keep your calm. But right now, in this kind of situation that is probably the best thing that will save you and help you stay alive. 

3. Indulge in some self-care. 

Abuse isn’t always physical; it can be emotional, verbal, and mental too. Changing an abusive person or expecting them to change just because you love them does not always work. So, the best thing you can do for yourself in such a situation is to do everything you can to take care of yourself and love yourself. 

Do what works for you the best, especially all those things that make you happy and calm. If you feel overwhelmed with all the negativity, then take a moment to deal with them. All your feelings are genuine and justified, and no, you are not overreacting and there is nothing wrong with you. 

4. Stay with someone else. 

The best thing you can do if you are stuck with an abusive person is by staying with someone else. It can be your friend or even your family. Every minute that you are with your abuser, you are putting yourself at risk. Of course, you cannot be open about that with your abuser, so create an excuse to live with your friends or some family member. Maybe your friend has an accident and she is all alone, and that is why she needs someone to look after her for a few days. Or your parents are not well, and they need you.

5. Look out for red flags. 

Many people don’t even realize that they are living with an abuser, and tend to brush off all the mean things and the fights as something extremely normal. But it always starts from somewhere, and even before you realize it, you have become a victim of abuse.

Women tend to ignore red flags by convincing themselves that it’s all temporary, and they can change their partners. This is where you go wrong. 

Some of the red flags that you should watch out for are the following:

• Emotionally manipulating you.

• Trying to make you feel guilty all the time.

• Control freak (deciding what you will wear, who you will talk to, what you will eat, etc.).

• Excessive possessiveness and jealousy.

• Threatening you and intimidating you all of the time.

• Pushing you away, dismissing you, or giving the silent treatment when they are upset.

6. Keep your finances in order. 

Each day is unpredictable when you are stuck with an abusive person, so it is for the best if you have your own financial safety nest. Avoid having a joint bank account with your abuser, and even if you do, open a new one for yourself. If you ever have to leave suddenly, at least you will financially be sorted. 

Having your own money will help you stay afloat on your own, and will also prevent you from going back to your abuser. This is especially helpful for all those victims who have children.

7. Focus on getting support. 

When things get too much and you feel like you just can’t take it anymore, then seek support from wherever you can. You can call up helpline numbers, talk to your friends, and also go for therapy. Several victims tend to have suicidal thoughts due to living with an abusive person, but that is never the solution.

if you follow these pointers, you will not only be able to take care of yourself and your children, but you won’t have to be scared of them anymore. And the best way to defeat your abuser is to stop being scared of them, isn’t it? Learn to defend your self.